Sober bars, making friends & modern "socializing"

This week I visited a dry bar for the first time. For clarity - it’s a bar that doesn’t serve any alcohol and offers only booze-free options to its patrons. While the idea of an alcohol-free space is not new (booze-free bars existed already in the early 20th century as part of the temperance movement), its modern incarnation is. Sober or “dry” bars are on the rise, especially in English-speaking countries, as part of a broader sober-curious trend. But rather than just offering a great selection of non-alcoholic drinks, they tell us quite a bit about modern socializing - how we connect, discourse, and keep in touch. Or, rather, how we want to do all these things, but somehow keep on missing the opportunity.

The way we meet and socialize often reflects what’s in our glass

In its simplest form, getting to know a new person - a stranger - starting a conversation, and ultimately connecting with someone new, often requires three elements:

• A pretext (bonding over something you have in common, a shared experience of standing in the same queue, a brief moment that two people notice and acknowledge)

• An initial trigger to start the conversation - when you move beyond a nod or a glance to actually speaking with that person

• Going beyond pleasantries, introducing yourself or mentioning even a slightly personal thing: how you got to the place, how your day is going… Whatever the topic, you've now shifted from strangers to two people who have acknowledged each other’s existence and are potentially willing to take things further. It could end there, or it could turn into a 15-minute bond, an evening together - or maybe even something bigger.

I’d go as far as to say that traditional boozy bars have long been designed to enable those encounters - whether they end in a chat, a friendship or something more. You could easily bond over asking the bartender for the same drink, raising your glasses in a cheers. It's loud, dark, and everyone (or almost everyone) is on the same page when it comes to drinking.

This is exactly what my brother described to me the other day: "I can't imagine going out to a bar and not drinking. How would you even meet people?".

To which I responded - without initially reflecting on it much: "And of all the people you've met while drinking in bars, how many of them have stood the test of time? How many turned into quality relationships?"

And by quality, I don’t necessarily mean lifelong - but rather connections that were authentic for longer than one evening. The ones where you follow through with a text message listing holiday recommendations. The human connections that don’t end in awkward silences when you bump into each other again - or with one of you ghosting the other altogether. Quality relationships that you're accountable for, even if they only lasted a moment.

So where do we find these quality relationships, especially as we go further down the path of life? For decades, we had plenty of opportunities to meet new people without alcohol. Neighbours saying hi when they move in. Getting to know - and visiting - other parents whose kids go to the same dance class. Meeting people through the extended family who lived nearby. Getting familiar with someone you see at the grocery store every single day.

And the sad reality (at least for me and most of my friends) is that those ways of meeting new people and making friends are barely, or not at all, available to us anymore. The world has changed. We’re stuck on our phones 24/7, barely noticing people around us in public spaces - not to mention acknowledging them with a nod or connecting over a shared moment.

So what's the solution? I guess... maybe we should all flock to after-hours drinks and busy bars? But here’s another conundrum. Post-COVID, that’s just not what we’re used to doing anymore. Bars across the world (as reported previously by The New York Times and NZZ) are struggling with alcohol sales and staying afloat. So even the surface-level, easily forgotten connections we used to make with strangers in bars are not happening.

Are sober bars the solution? For sure not the only one. But they are a solution. A place you clearly go to with the aim of socializing - with conscious willingness and openness to strangers. You have the right context, the shared experience, and - what is definitely a game changer - people thinking clearly and taking more accountability for their words and follow-through.

It’s a common longing of my generation. Authentic, real-life, body-in-the-room connections. We’re lucky enough to remember what getting to know people looked and felt like in the past - and we’re almost desperate to fill that gap with real human connection.

So you might not be sold on the idea of a dry bar yet, but in my books - any place that offers the possibility, opens the door to truly connecting with another human… that is a direction I can get behind.

For those of you who celebrate - happy Easter, folks! And here are 3 things that got me going this week:

• The book Factfulness - if you constantly feel like the world is going to shit and we’re just in a downward spiral as a human race, please give it a go. Things are not as bleak as they seem. The book gives you a plethora of facts to back that up.

• A beautiful new set of earrings & necklace — inspired by a Japanese koi fish. My husband has a Koi sleeve tattoo and I love the story behind it. If you’d like to have a look here.

• Episode 5 of Black Mirror (latest season) - recommended by my German teacher. OH MY GOD, it’s both beautiful and heartbreaking. It starts with the premise that maybe we can relive past moments captured in old photographs. I loved it, and Paul Giamatti’s acting is as poignant as ever.

Hope you’re taking good care of yourself.

xoxox